What to Say to Your Kid After a Soccer Game (and What Not To)

After a soccer game, say less and say it later. Give your kid time to cool off, let them decide whether the game gets discussed at all, ask questions instead of handing out notes, and tell them you love watching them play, win or lose. During the game, leave the coaching to the coach and the calls to the referee.

Key takeaways

• The line "I love to watch you play" comes from Bruce Brown and Rob Miller's decades of informal interviews with college-age athletes, not from a controlled study, though it fits what peer-reviewed research has found.
• A University of Toronto study of 27 athletes aged 11-16 and their parents found that some kids looked forward to the car ride debrief while others just endured it.
• The Positive Coaching Alliance advises parents to ask rather than tell after games, give specific and truthful praise, and stay silent when they disagree with a referee's call.
• The National Association of Sports Officials reports that 7 of every 10 first-year officials quit by the end of three years, and U.S. Soccer says 60% of referees choose not to recertify because of harassment and threats.
• In a 2025 Aspen Institute survey, 21% of kids who had quit a sport said their parents pressured them to play, compared with 9% of kids still playing.

Why does the car ride home matter so much?

The car ride home is where many kids feel the most pressure from their parents, according to athletes who were asked about it years later. Bruce Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching spent about three decades interviewing college-age athletes about how their parents had affected them. As author Daniel Coyle summarized their findings, the athletes most disliked the post-game conversation in the car, whether parents were quizzing, praising or critiquing. Many said they liked having grandparents at games, because grandparents seemed to enjoy it more and push less.

And the phrase the athletes said made them happy was six words long: "I love to watch you play."

Be clear-eyed about where that comes from. Brown and Miller's work is several hundred interviews by experienced coaches. It's useful, and it's widely shared, but it is not a peer-reviewed study. The good news is that published research points in a similar direction.

What does the research say about talking after games?

The most direct research is a University of Toronto study led by Katherine Tamminen, published in 2017, which interviewed 27 athletes aged 11 to 16 and their parents about the drive home from games and practices. The finding parents tend to miss: there is no single right way. Some kids looked forward to the debrief. Others endured it.

Tamminen's suggestions for parents:

• Let emotions settle before talking about performance, yours included.
• Ask your child when, and whether, they want to talk about the game. Quiet music is a fine answer.
• Set conversation rules together, such as starting with something positive.
• Read the silence. Some quiet is cooling down; some is avoidance, and you'll learn which is which.
• If you do need to address a mistake, keep it measured and non-accusatory so the drive doesn't become something your kid dreads.

The researchers also point out that sitting side by side in a car can make honest talk easier, since nobody has to make eye contact. The same closeness can make a heated moment worse.

What to say after a soccer game

Start with "I love to watch you play" or "I'm proud of you," then ask a question and let your kid steer. The Positive Coaching Alliance's game day tips suggest questions like "What was your favorite play?" and "What did you learn from that game?" They also recommend specific, truthful praise over a generic "good game," for example: "I saw how well you moved your feet on defense."

Here are some scripts for common situations. They're our suggestions built on that guidance, so adjust the words to sound like you.

Situation	Try saying	Skip
Right after any game	"I love to watch you play."	"Why didn't you shoot?"
After a loss	"That was a tough one. Want to talk about it now, later, or not at all?"	"The ref cost you that game."
After a big win	"What was the most fun part?"	"See, that's what happens when you try."
After a mistake led to a goal	"I'm proud of you. Want to grab food?" (Then wait.)	"You have to clear that ball."
After limited minutes	"How are you feeling about today?"	"I'm going to talk to the coach."
When they want silence	Nothing. Put on their music.	"We need to talk about this."
Later, if they bring it up	"What do you think went well? What would you try next time?"	A full list of your own notes

Two habits make the scripts work. First, wait. The emotional temperature in the car five minutes after a loss is very different from the temperature at dinner. Second, say it again whether they won or lost. PCA suggests telling your athlete before the game that you'll be proud of them regardless of performance, and repeating it after.

What not to say (and why soccer parents should listen)

Don't compare your kid to teammates, coach them from the car, or blame the referee. Comparison is a particular problem in soccer. In the Aspen Institute's 2025 survey of 3,827 youth, soccer players reported the highest rates of any sport of parents comparing them to other players (18%) and of parents getting angry or upset about their performance (16%).

The same survey found a gap between kids who kept playing and kids who quit. Former players were more likely to say their parents pressured them to play when they didn't want to (21% vs 9%) and compared them with other players (18% vs 13%). The survey can't show that pressure caused the quitting, but the pattern is hard to ignore. Our guide on why kids quit and how to spot burnout digs into the rest of that data.

How should parents behave on the sideline?

Cheer, encourage everyone, and give no instructions. PCA's advice is direct: don't instruct your athlete during game action or at breaks, and let the coaches coach. A kid hearing one plan from the coach and another from the stands has to pick which adult to disappoint.

Showing up still matters. In the Aspen survey, 86% of current players said their parents attend games or practices, compared with 58% of former players. Be there, and be quiet about tactics.

PCA's sideline list is worth keeping in your phone:

• Cheer good plays by both teams, and encourage your kid's teammates.
• Mention good calls by the referee to the parents around you.
• If you disagree with a call, stay silent.
• If another spectator yells at the official, gently remind them to be respectful.
• After the game, thank the officials and the coaches.

Why staying quiet about referees keeps kids' games running

Referee abuse is a big reason there aren't enough officials, and fewer officials means games get harder to staff. NFHS CEO Karissa Niehoff, citing the National Association of Sports Officials, wrote that 7 of every 10 first-year officials quit by the end of three years. In NASO's 2023 survey, 68% of officials said sportsmanship is getting worse, up from about 57% six years earlier, and officials attributed 40% of sportsmanship problems to parents.

Soccer's numbers are just as rough. U.S. Soccer reports that 90% of referees say abuse has increased over the last five years, and 60% choose not to recertify because of harassment and threats.

Illinois has felt this too. In 2021, IHSA Executive Director Craig Anderson described a shortage of referees and umpires that "borders on catastrophic" in some sports and areas, and said the pandemic was a secondary concern next to verbal abuse from fans, mostly parents.

U.S. Soccer responded with its Respect The Call initiative and an updated Referee Abuse Prevention Policy, effective March 2025, which sets minimum sanctions for abuse in amateur and youth matches. They start at a two-game suspension for verbal taunting and run to a 12-month suspension up to a lifetime ban for violent contact. How sanctions reach spectators depends on your league and state association, so check your club's code of conduct.

What this means for your family

• Decide now on your first sentence after every game: "I love to watch you play" or "I'm proud of you."
• Ask your kid how they want post-game talk to work: now, later, or only if they bring it up. Agree on a rule like "start with something positive."
• Keep game analysis for later, and only when your child asks for it.
• Use specific praise about effort and actions, not results.
• Give zero instructions from the sideline. Cheer both teams' good plays.
• Stay silent on calls, and thank the referee after the game.
• Never compare your kid to a teammate, in the car or anywhere else.
• Read your club's code of conduct so you know the rules for spectators.

One last thing

None of this means you can't talk soccer with your kid. Plenty of kids love breaking down a game, and the Toronto research found some of them look forward to it. Let them set the pace. If you're also wondering whether your kid is doing too much soccer, our guide to early specialization vs multi-sport covers the research on hours and rest, and the ages 9-12 guide explains what that stage should feel like.